from a to b
2006-06-24 - 8:48 p.m.

Odd how down time works. Cyclical and patient. As though water was evaporating from a puddle. Not to different from periods of transition. I'll be moving up to Boise in a month. I'd rather have the frantic weekend to move.

Though I love the people in P'ville and Reno, but I almost wish I was moving straight up to Boise since this living funeral is miserable. I'm terrified to live in a place where I know no one. Not a soul. Stop. Imagine not being able to exchange a smile, hug, or word with someone who isn't a stranger for a whole day. Week. Month. A stranger's acknowledgment is wonderful, but not the understanding needed to make it to the next day. And people wonder why October is a month of depression for me. How can that be both my favorite and most dreaded time of the year? By that time I am so drained that I almost forget what it is like to have significant human contact.

What was it like to feel that perfect niche a shoulder gives for your head when you give a hug? To have someone touch your knee to say, "Yes, I understand." To feel the immediate sound waves of someone saying your name in pleasant surprise? It's like forcing the image of someone that died into your brain, and all you get is a blur.

So now I'm trying to soak it all in before it's gone. To remember everything before I die and reincarnate again. And right now it's worse than October.

I can't wait for November.